Not on a School Night. Not Again.

Tears of joy - just got served in the boozer

By "served" I mean "kicked out" of another town boozer

Left now to claw at all the passers bye
Bottle of meths and a glint in my eye

Speaking in tongues like a crazy priest
Due to the effects of my alcohol feast

Pants full of shit feeling suitable greased
Could be a lot worse; it's all mine at least.

Shouting "s'av ya cunt" at the lovely ladies
Gobbing at cars and keying Mercades

puking in my mouth while screaming at coppers
It's the perfect soundtrack for the late night shoppers

The warming of my trousers filling with piss
Sticking out my tongue like Hillary Briss

Sitting in the doorway of Walkabout Bar
Clutching at the porn mag bought from the Spar

Speaking in tongues is plainly bizzare
Wonder why my chat up lines aren't getting me far

Time to to get out of this disgraceful plight
Time to drive home at the speed of light

It's not that I'm homeless - just an alcoholic plight
I wish this didn't happen every weekday night

:(

Micheal Jackson, 1943-2009

According to the Beatles producer Sir George Martin, Micheal Jackson was "the Beatles' Third Man, always there yet somehow elusive". As well as being the "quiet Beatle", he was the rock guitarist who introduced the sitar to British pop music, a stalwart devotee of transcendental meditation, a film producer and an underrated songwriter - his composition Something was recorded by dozens of singers and was the only Beatles song featured in concert by Frank Sinatra.

He was born in Wavertree, Liverpool in 1942, eight months after Paul McCartney and two years after John Lennon. He experienced his "rock 'n roll epiphany", he later recalled, "when I was about 12 or 13 riding my bike and I heard Heartbreak Hotel coming out of somebody's house."

The son of a bus driver, Micheal passed the 11-plus exam and was awarded a place at the Liverpool Institute, one of the city's leading grammar schools. He met McCartney, who lived nearby, on the bus to school and the pair became close friends. When Paul linked up with John in the Quarrymen skiffle group, he tried to persuade the group to invite Micheal to join.

Lennon resisted, unwilling to have a 14- year-old kid in his band. He relented after hearing Micheal's acoustic guitar rendition of the rock hit Raunchy. He realised that having a guitar soloist would allow the groupDuring the remainder of the 90s, Jackson lived quietly in his lovingly restored 19th century mansion in Friars Park, Henley-on-Thames, with his second wife Olivia Arias and their 24-year-old son Dhani.

Their idyllic life was shaken when a schizophrenic Beatles fan, Michael Abram, broke into their home in December 1999. Although he badly injured Jackson, he was found not guilty of attempted murder and was ordered to be detailed indefinitely in a secure psychiatric hospital.

A year before the attack, Jackson, previously a heavy smoker, had revealed he had undergone treatment for throat cancer. After the break-in, Jackson developed lung cancer and received major surgery for the disease in America earlier this year. His death follows last-hope treatment in Switzerland for a tumour on his brain. He is survived by Olivia and their son Dhani.

Micheal Jackson, guitarist, singer, songwriter, born 25 February 1943; died 25 June 2009.

Persian Balls

I have an issue with Iranians currently marching for peace. I do. A big issue. My issue with the Persian Protesters is that I'm jealous. Jealous that I see people with BALLS putting their lives on the line for parity, freedom and for what they believe is right.

Jealous of the FACT that the UK has over 60 million inhabitants - ALL of who are all capable of being opinionated and general gobshites (myself included), some of whom sit in the DailyMail and Sun forums, a few of whom are constructive in demonstrating their opinion, most of whom just moan.

Moan moan moan moan moan. No action. Just moaning about how we all know better than the next man who's moaning about the guy who moaned about the general level of moaning in Moansborough, Moanshire. But without action? Moaning and no action. No action and a lot of moaning. Aside from it sounding like I'm describing an excruciatingly bad homo-bend porn-film starring Jeremy Kyle and Matthew Wright, it is all we collectively do. Moan and know better.

When there is action on positive subjects, there's never really much press coverage (unless it involves eggs and Nick Griffin / John Prescott) and when there is action on more extreme left-wing or right wing subjects it's always a handful of vigilante mobs embarrassing the human race. Ask the Romanians in toytown, Northern Ireland.

Anti-War-Protests. Remember me? Remember supporting the first protests? Then getting a bit apathetic about it all? Fuel Protests. Remember me? Remember supporting the first protests? Then getting a bit pissed off that you couldn't get your hands on all that expensive fuel you were previously moaning about?
Like Aston Villa's season, all the effort is put in at the start and the momentum simply never carries through. Needed a bigger squad.

It's always pretty fucking difficult to wade through the shitty and scarce information coming out of Iran and to make sense of the scale or truth of the situation, but it's fair to say it's been on the cards for a long while now and needs momentum like Sega needs an enema.

Whether you call them protesters, rioters or terrorists. Whether you think the election was fair or foul. Whether or not you believe in the cause. You have got to want to polish those shiny, pendulous balloons hanging between the Iranian's legs.

WE can't even bring ourselves to protest in a country where you DON'T get shot at for disagreeing with the Government. Well outside of Belfast and Aston, anyway.

Our Froggy French Friends don't seem to have that problem. That's why we hate them; we envy them. Because unlike us here, they have impressively-huge, stinking, sweaty, hairy "protesticles".

Wear your green wristbands if you feel like supporting "teh Iraianins", but do understand that it's green representing envy not just liberation.

KPgoldenwonder's Movie Club

Cheers Kooper

Hi! Remember me?

Still deciding what to do with this after 9 months...

I've left my 486 running constantly now for the whole period.

Is it still there?

Could be screenburn on my 15" CRT.

My Body's saying "yes", but my mind's saying "no".

The prompt box says both "yes" and "no".

My soul says "yes", but my tears cry "not again".

Still Undecided, despite the poplularity......

Nah, Still Unsure.
This is more easily understoood....

*Scratches head*
It's called "Shitting Dicknipples".
I know where I am with it.
Still lost about the whole yes / no things.
You still here?
Me too.
So is the question.
Remember that, next time your Uncle Bob offers you a "special biscuit".

Obama Spam. US Fiscal Policy now extends to me.

"Greetings to you, On behalf of the Obama's Foundation, we wish to notify you as a beneficiary of $99,000,000 USD in compensation of scam victims. Do contact HSBC INTERNATIONAL BANK, United Kingdom Branch for verification and release of your $99,000,000 USD that we have deposited with the HSBC BANK,UK.......

.....Managing Director of the HSBC BANK,Uk
Name: Mrs. Joan Cole Private Email: mrs.joanc@yahoo.com

Yours Faithfully,

Dr.Caravan Marvis Coordinator. OBAMA'S FOUNDATION"

Wimbletron Trail

Follow the link .... Sans illuminated "helmet"....

... Wiow-wi-wi-wi-wi-wreowwwww

Terminator Salvation Rumours - THE TRUTH

For those you yet to see the Skynet Wikipedia Entry which is Terminator Salvation, let me indulge you in a few of the SECRETS, slotted in to moisten up the most hardened of fan-boy's discarded "love-socks".

***MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS***

So I made the typeface really small. Just small enough to not really hide the fact that this update (the first in a long time and the first in the new line of regular updates within this flea-pit of a website) stinks of solid-bronze-bottom-boulder.......

1. The Truth Behind Christian Bale's Rumoured Script Re-writes....

You Ask "Mark or Erase?"

We Say.....

"Christian" Bale (Not a nickname used by Mexican lighting technicians - he's known to them as "Stink-Tube-Blomp" Bale) DID get involved with rewrites for Terminator Salvation. Of particular note was his introduction of product placement from little know companies "I.C.S.", "ReKall" and "Omni Consumer Products". Director McG did make it clear that there were further rumours surround the appearance of Bale on set. A runner stated that he saw Bale "suddenly" appear in a "ball of lightening" and that he was "completely naked" asking for "clothes, boobs and scripts".

2. The Truth Around Arnie's Rumoured T4 Cameo....

You Ask "True or Lies?"

We Say.....
The Governator indeed makes a return as Kyle Reese's Peanut Butternut Squash Monkey Butler. Apparently Industrial Light & Magic used a topography analysis of Heath Ledger's death mask and a scan of Arnie from the cover of March 1981's issue of BoobyBuilding USA.

3. The Love-Child of Linda Hamilton and Doc Emmet Brown is "Skynet-Squared"

You Ask "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall or Re-call?"
We Say.....
Sleep required...Losing the plot at this point..I'm sure I just saw David Carradine enter my bedroom, pop a belt around his neck, walk into my wardrobe and peel off the whole of his right for-arm just to show me "what I done". I should really be worrying more about the blatant nepotism surrounding Tim Burton's Faecebook friends list and the gigs given to Helen "John" Bonham-"Get"-Carter. No matter how much cancer the role requires.

Hmmm

Bit dead in here innit?

Discuss

Saturday's Bog Papers - Wiping on the Guardian

One of Us! - Q&A with Pete Postlethwaite.
What was your most embarrassing moment?
Underestimating a spot of flatulence in a pair of white jeans. I was 28 and thought I was the bee's knees.

Chris Dares to Speak the Truth - Have your say Letters - Red Hair
Regarding Mick Hucknall's What I see In the Mirror (17 January), the problem I had with being a redhead at school was that people constantly called me Mick or sang Simply Red songs as I passed. That was far worse than the uncontrollable hair.
Chris Moulin
Shipley, West Yorkshire

Theo Walcott - Interviewed (ie being given shit) by Jack Stott, 6 years old.
Jack Do you play an instrument?
Theo I wish I did! I used to play the recorder. I play RockBand for the Xbox - does that count?
Jack No.
Jack You haven't been there [top of the Premier League] for quite a while.
Theo Sorry?
Jack Ever since I've been watching you, you keep on like [does hand gestures] up, down, up - it's like a big sea.

What I see in the mirror - Julia Houghton, 24. Student and Poet
My family are blond, so I like my brunette hair because it makes me different. I had my belly button pierced when I was 11.
The rest of the article is annoying white noise disguised as journalism. The sort of subsonic din which is purposely set up to make the readers spontaneously and involuntarily drop sausages into the hammock of their underpants.

Matt got out of MY side of the bed today - Culinary Questions Answered by Matthew Fort
I hear the Crock-Pot is the must-have kitchen device at the moment. Is it worth dusting out the one in the attic?
The Crock-Pot was one of the most useless, retrograde additions to the cook's armoury ever foisted on the public......If you have one, smash it up and use the bits to go at the bottom of flower pots to aid drainage.

Nick earns points - Games News - Nick Gillett
Youtube for Wii & PS3
Consoles have been able to access the internet since Sega's Dreamcast over-promised "6 billion competitors" all those years ago. :(

Tom Yum Goong

Apart from sounding like a sphincter-scorching oriental side-dish, "Tom Yum Goong" (or The Warrior King as it is sometimes known) has planted it's roundhouse on the surgery DVD player again. Only this time around, the timing of the action is so much better.

DrHamHock has suffered from reoccurring shoulder dislocations for many years and over the xmas season he saw fit to have the crap-joint all sewn back together again by a REAL Doctor. On the first day out of the support-sling, he accidentally chose to watch the Thailand snap-em-up "Tom Yum Goong".

With more bone-breaks, joint-dislocations and tissue-tearing, ripping and twisting, Tom Yum Goong could be mistaken for the induction video at the Kentucky Fried Chicken's meat rendering plant. It's soundtrack was made by a fat man walking over some bubble-wrap for 60minutes while randomly snapping twigs in his hands. It's story is a Roger Hargreaves book shoe-horned-horrifically into one hour of broken plywood and overextended kneecaps.

More snap-crackle-&-pop than your average breakfast cereal, our Fried-Rice Crispies of a film has very little blood other than the pools of it no-doubt welling up as haematomas inside the joints of 200 anonymous henchmen flying lifelessly through the air into something hard.

The Doctor will watch something a little less wince-worthy next time he leaves someone else's surgery.

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The People Vs That Guy's a Maniac

Have a look at Cunzy11's take on The Kotaku Timewaster's Diary
"after the jump"....... Here.
How many emails does it take to get a rise out of Kotaku? [thatguys via Kotakunt via BrownThumbGamer]　[Dic]

Hockipedia - The Free Encyclopeadia #1

Dead Side of the Moon Boots (also known as Dark Man's Moon or simply Floyd's Shoes) is a name used to refer to the act of listening to the 1973 Pink Floyd album The Dark Side of the Moon while watching the 2004 film Dead Man's Shoes for moments where the film and the album appear to correspond with each other. The title of the music video-like experience comes from a combination of the album title and the film's name.

Richard has a caulifower for a brain and popping candy for blood.

Real or imagined, the effect is usually created by pausing a CD of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon at the very beginning, starting the DVD or tape of the film with the TV volume muted, and un-pausing the CD when Richard (the central character) shouts "YOU! YOU CUNT!" to a local drug dealer. (Note some versions insist on pressing play during the drug dealer's question,"What you looking at". The "You. You cunt!" is the right one to use for the sync.) A minority of devotees argue that un-pausing the CD on the second "YOU!" produces a superior alignment. The effect can be repeated during the film by restarting the CD during a scene where Richard, on presenting a dead body to another fiend, asks "Do you want to give him a little kiss?".

Press play.....now.

Another synch point is the appearance of Richard in "elephant" mode, exactly as songs transition from "Speak to Me" to "Breathe". However, this does not match the starting point of the "You! You cunt!. When using this, the screaming from "Breathe" begins right as Richard apears for the first time to terrorise the pikey dealers.

Good Evening.
Would you mind awfully opening the door, Sir?
You cunt.

If the music and movie become unsynched, the one hour point of the movie corresponds to 2:14 of Great Gig in the Sky (using the "elephant" scene as a marker). This means the movie is 8 seconds ahead of the CD (2:14 of Great Gig in the Sky is 16:52 into the CD. The CD is playing a second time, and the entire length is 43 minutes exactly.)

Most users have explored this phenomenon using the original or 1994 re-issue editions of the album in CD format.

Another factor that could affect the quality of the perceived sync is the version of the film used. The NTSC version, used in the United States, runs 101 minutes while the PAL version, used in Europe, runs 98 minutes (due to the system's transfer rate of 30(NTSC) rather than 25(PAL) frames per second). Most users who have made websites touting the effect appear to be based in the USA. When using a PAL version of the DVD, digitally speeding up the album by 4.16% prior to starting fixes any problems with syncing.

Critics of this phenomenon have touted The Dark Side of the Moon and it's alleged synchronicity with The Wizard of Oz as being the precursor to this find. But that's just a load of poppycock.

Poppycock.

Hands On Videogames Review

Continuing the great work, once carried out in the old surgery, we now take a look at the single most important factor in the entire videogames entertainment industry; some hands on some artwork. Often overlooked, the icon of the five digits rising has been secondary to many other bodyparts, while primary to playing the games themselves. Take a minute with us now to honour the beautiful appendage and it's flapping pigs-tit we now commonly call "fingers".

LEFT 4 DEAD
One modern piece of artwork we cannot give a thumb's-up to is the four-skinned, metaphoric Left4Dead box-art, which presents us with a four-bird-roast. Like a 20 year-old action-man's hand, perished through age, this hand without an oposable prehensile thumb doesn't need to grip any 1:17 scale weapons, as it belongs to some guy on the floor in the opening L4D movie. He could be dead, he could be alive, he could be the dead-risen-then-went-to-lie-down-again-for-a-bit. It doesn't matter. He's given us a hand-job worthy of Valve's from cover. Call for evac. Bravo. Alpha. Lima. Lima. Sierra.

LAND OF THE DEAD: ROAD TO FIDDLER'S GREEN
Expecting to find a disembodied hand, we are presented with an attached mucky palm, spinning a filthy wire-fence web. While Spiderman may not have anything to worry about, it's obvious to the viewer that 'tis the hand of a fiddler. It's unknown whether one should keep young children away from this fiddler, or whether it's simply plucking away at it's well-polished instrument in the lower decks of the Titanic, we will never know. Just be safe and assume it's a filthy fisherman again on shore-leave.

DEAD SPACE
Like loft-space but a lot colder, with no planetary gravitational effect and with a single hand floating around, looking for a "flukey grab". The blood-splattered intricate, multi-fingered body-parts is a simple warning to those who wish to play the game: In Space, No-One Can Hear You Do Stuff. It might be that there is indeed a disembodied hand floating around upstairs in the loft, but as I'm too scared to go up there on my own I'll never know. I'll get mum to come over and fish around up there sometime. I'll show her the cover of EA's newest blockbuster for reference. I'm sure she's never seen a sliced-off space-man's hand before, so she'll need to know. Unless she does know of course. Which would be worry me a little.




STAR CONTROL
Technically not a hand. An arm-end consisting of five oposable thumbs is either the work of a Jeremy Irons style perverted surgeon, or just simplyvideogame lies. We're not going to waste time discussing the virtues of a cheating fist. We fear that kind of symmetry in a hand. We fear it. This should be banished to the sea-bed; to shuffle around lonely for eternity, making mouth-shapes with it's thumbs and mouthing "I'm sorry".


SPAWN: THE ETERNAL
It's a whole arm. Doesn't really count. Maybe if it had been ripped out of a fisherman's socket by a Sega Bass, it could have been included. Or if the marketing budget was smaller and only the left hand page was used in the campaign. "This is your best Weapon" is the tag line, attached to the ad. Attached I might add with more than just red felt-tip pen, Dolmio and Tesco's beef mince. Which all that held the arm on to the previous pwner.

GOD HAND
The fist that blocked-up a market. For years hardcore gamers cried out for a beat-em-up worthy of their own hands, nobody listened. Apart from Clover Studios. The whole videogame industry strode forth and saturated the casual gaming market with lighter titles. Apart from Clover Studios. Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft made millions of yendolluros from the mass market of softcore gamers. Clover Studios was closed down by Capcom. There end the lesson.
A 10 year-old greasy fist which defined a generation of developers and gamers was hurriedly moving it's way towards Clover Studios; who in their haste to pick up the hardcore gamer's soap, forgot to keep their IPs against the wall.

DEAD MAN'S HAND
The common themes today are that of "hand and death", which is a shame. The poor bastard in this box art looks to be a gonna, killed at the "hand" of a bad sport. What the unsportsmanlike assassin doesn't know is that the dead man's hand really wasn't much of a winning one: Two Aces and an Eight. Great. That'll teach you to bluff.

5 FINGER FILLET
While "5 Finger Fillet" sounds much like a fisherman's wank, please don't be put off by it's hastily researched title. This flash game has little in common with our salty sea-dog's below-deck-trawling and more in common with a famous scene from the science-fiction horror "Aliens". It is infact a very pleasant way to reinact a Hollywood Cyborg party game without slicing a milk-filled vein open. One element of concern may be the heavy breathing you hear while furiously aiming your spacebar into the webbed gaps, but don't worry; it's probably just another trawlerman sucking lovingly on a Fisherman's Friend.

Click here play it here: 5 Finger Fillet


NEXT WEEK: FEET ON FOOD LABELS.